This post is for the woman who identifies more with the title Mum than Wife. The mum who can tell you exactly which of her trackpants has the best stretch but can’t remember when last she wore heels. This post is for the mum who used to use sexy lingerie to bed as the norm but now goes to bed in her husband’s oversized t-shirt or the same clothes that she wore all day. If you’re the mum who will choose sleep over sex as though it’s an obvious choice then this one is for you!
Here are 5 Ways to maintain a healthy sex life after having kids
1 – Make time for yourself
This is possibly the most difficult to achieve but also the one most guaranteed to put you in the mood. In the same way that kids need quiet time to wind down before bed, women need quiet time to calm their minds before bed. We need time to stop planning meals and activities for the next day, to stop thinking of how we’re going to meet that work deadline, to stop planning next week’s grocery list. Our minds are constantly working to keep us 5 steps ahead of where we need to be and it’s exhausting. I know you know what I’m talking about. But here’s the thing. It never ends. There is no finish line where you get to rest. Which means that if you don’t force yourself to stop, you will not stop. Ever.
This is what you need to do. An hour before bed, once the kids are asleep, stop everything. Put your phone down. Switch off your laptop. Walk away from the dirty dishes or the laundry that needs folding. Let it all go. Have a long, hot shower then get into bed and read a book. Maybe watch some series. Paint your nails or give yourself a facial. Take a glass of wine with you if you like. Then when your husband comes to bed, put the book down, switch the tv off and talk. Take the time to connect and catch up with each other but not about the kids. Talk about work, about your plans for the week, maybe some new personal goals you want to achieve. Talk to each other as husband and wife, as man and woman, NOT as mum and dad.
Then if things should lead to more exciting endeavors, your mind will be right along for the journey!
2 – Let’s talk personal grooming
We all know that legs don’t get shaved unless someone is seeing them and even then, it’s usually only if you’re leaving the house. I get it. It’s a pain. But I want you to change your thinking on this. I want you to see personal grooming as something that you do for YOU. Not to meet artificial beauty standards but because you like the feel of silky soft legs, because it gives you confidence, because it makes you feel desirable. It’s hard to feel like a sexy siren when your legs are furry. (I know that some women prefer not to shave which is also perfectly ok, if that’s you then please skip over this step)
Now I want you to take that thinking one step further. If you have ever had a Brazilian or Hollywood Wax then you will know it is a pain straight from the fiery pits of hell. It is agony. You will want to tell the beautician to stop at least a dozen times before you’re done but you won’t because maybe she’s almost done…she’s usually not almost done. But, and here’s the kicker, once you’re done (and the swelling has gone down) you will tell yourself that you need to have a standing appointment to get this done every 6 weeks. There is something wonderfully scandalous about having yourself completely hairless. Skin sensitivity is heightened and everything just feels…MORE.
Again, I want you to do this for YOU. Do it because you will feel that much sexier when you go to bed, YOU will feel that much more sensation when things get exciting in the bedroom… or the lounge or the dining room. Do it because you will reap the rewards as much as your partner.
3. Make Date Night Non-Negotiable
Set one night a week that is Date Night. Preferably Friday or Saturday night when you don’t have to wake up early the next morning for work or school. Make this non-negotiable. It doesn’t have to be a full blown candles and dinner affair (though that is always lovely!) it can be a simple movie night with popcorn and slushies. It can be a games night. It can be anything you want it to be but make it fun. You could watch TV any night but turning it into a proper movie night means putting in the effort to buy your favourite movie snacks and having the movie ready to go. You can make date night as big or as small as you like but make it an event, something to look forward to.
Fall in love with your partner again. Look at him and see HIM. See the person that you fell in love with. Date each other again. It’s the easiest way to get back that ‘new love’ feeling. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, ask yourself when was the last time you waited with anticipation to see your husband. When last did you feel shy or nervous around him. Force yourself to find the romance again and watch that transition to a more connected love life.
4 – Be adventurous
Kids aren’t the only ones allowed to play with toys! Get online, in fact, rope hubby in and do some online shopping. Heck, buy some rope while you’re there. There are numerous online adult sex stores that stock high quality products that I can guarantee will boost your playtime! Here are a few that you can check out Passionfruit (lol! ‘passion’ fruit…get it? get it?), Matildas, Olivia Grey and so many more.
Sex toys have had a bad rep in the past as being something sleazy (thank you dark and dusty Adult Stores) and then suddenly Fifty Shades of Grey took over and maybe the play went too far. You need to find a happy medium that you and your partner are comfortable with. Have fun with this. There’s no pressure and if you’re not comfortable with anything then speak up and stop. Sex is a perfectly natural and normal part of life and as with anything, the more experienced you are the better you will become. I don’t mean sleep around, I mean experienced in knowing your body and what it can do for you and your partner.
Again, save the toys for a night when you know you won’t be interrupted so that you can allow yourself to have fun. Maybe add in some non-alcoholic wine so that you’re still able to wake up and function the next day. If you’re worried about your neighbours seeing scandalous packages being delivered then don’t stress, the packages usually have an innocuous name on it instead of the store name. It’s all very classy and discreet.
5 – Get to know what makes you…happy
I know way too many women who go through life faking orgasms. They do this for a number of reasons:
They don’t know how to reach orgasm.
Their partner doesn’t know which buttons to press or for how long.
They’re tired and just want to get to sleep.
And so many other reasons that can turn into habit. Don’t do this. You deserve better than faked orgasms. Which is why you need to take matters into your own hands because if you don’t know how to pleasure yourself then is it really fair to expect someone else to do it for you? So hop online and find yourself a vibrator or a clitoral stimulator than you can experiment with. Learn how your body reacts to different stimuli then teach your partner how to rock your world.
You may have forgotten this along the way but you are a sexual being. You desire and you crave intimacy as much as the next person. Life just got busy and that’s ok. But don’t rob yourself of an amazing sex life. Take charge and own your own sexuality.
And there you have it. A few ways to kickstart things in the bedroom if you have hit a slump. I know life is busy. I know you’re exhausted, I know there’s a million things to do and sometimes the sound of your husband snoring makes you want to read the fine print of your antenuptial contract but you are a Woman before all else. Don’t lose this part of you to motherhood because you can have both. You can have it ALL! All you need is to find some balance and show yourself some kindness. You deserve it.