Am I or aren’t I?

  I think I am…I mean…I feel like I am…but I can’t be..it’s too soon to tell…but I’m two days late and my boobs hurt…though they usually hurt before my period as well…nah, I couldn’t be pregnant…could I?

Trying for a baby is tough. Right after having A I swore I would never do this to myself or my husband again. Never ever ever! But then the sleepless nights ended. The constant crying stopped. My confidence as a mum grew and wouldn’t you know it, the need for a child took root  again. I didn’t notice it at first, too busy chasing after the wonderful child I already had. Then one day I realized what that feeling inside me was. That feeling of something missing. And I knew.

It took a while to convince that we should add another member to the gang. He thought we should wait for a number of very valid reasons: a) the kid that we had was running us ragged and we were tired ALL the time, b) kids aren’t cheap and we want to give A the best that we can afford, c) … actually I can’t remember what the other reasons were although there were a few, I must have blocked it out. Anyway, he eventually also came around to the realization that we would like to have another child and that it made more sense to do it sooner and let the kids grow up together. Plus we can get past that ‘baby-toddler’ phase relatively quickly and proceed to family vacations that don’t involve bottles and diapers. So yay! Baby No2 is a go! 

The thing is, I seem to have forgotten all the angst that goes with trying for a baby. 

– The hope every month that this is the one, only to wake up one morning with blood in your undies and your hopes shattered on the bathroom floor. But you pull yourself together because these things take time and there’s no point getting upset about it just yet. Plus there’s a husband and child outside of that bathroom door that need you to be their rock. 

– You start noticing pregnant women everywhere!

– You secretly start planning the look of the nursery in your head for both genders. This also includes looking at prices for cots, prams, electric breast pumps (had a manual pump the first time and barely escaped without carpal tunnel syndrome) and other necessities.

– You are constantly reading random pregnancy articles and actually feeling nostalgic about late night feeds (that happy feeling will be short lived once it actually starts I’m sure)

– You don’t want to have sex too often in case your body is too good at protecting itself and rejects the sperm. You also want to have it often enough to hit that sweet ovulation spot somewhere in the middle of your cycle. Though anyone can tell you that having sex purely for procreation is the least sexy thing you can do so you have to keep it fun even though the whole time you’re just hoping that this is the one.

– Then there’s the small fortune that you spend on pregnancy tests.  If you’re anything like me you will take the early detection test too early. Or not pee enough on the stick. Then pee too much on the stick. Then do another test in case this brand isn’t very good. I went through 6 tests the last time we were trying to conceive. I’m already sitting at 5 now. This does not bode well. Thank goodness for value packs. 

Trying for a baby is an emotional roller coaster. It’s almost like a physical ache that will only stop once you see the + on that test stick. Yet it’s also something that’s difficult to talk to other people about unless they are going through the same thing. It’s just so intensely personal and the emotions linked to this process are so raw, hope; despair; longing; inadequacy; guilt; need. 

It’s tough to wait for anything that you really want. Yet I also constantly remind myself to enjoy this time that I have with A as an only child. I can shower her with love and attention and she will know that she is the center of my universe. J and I can tuck her into bed at night and spend time together in the evenings watching movies and talking. All that will have to go on hold with a new addition. 

Whether I am or I’m not, I need to focus on the now and be grateful for what I have because what I have is pretty frikkin amazing.

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